Peace for Trash-Pig the Soon to “Once of Have Been” Doggo

Today marks the end of my doggo’s existence on this plane and everything she would have experienced pre-Rainbow Bridge if only she could have stopped being so erratic. We worked together, played together, drove each other nuts periodically with either one of us having spontaneous bouts of neediness. She has/had such a soft demeanor if she knew you, only wanted cuddles–something she would come bounding into the bed to collect every morning as soon as you blinked your eyes for even a moment–and belly scratches. Her favorite thing was to throw herself in snorting and snuffling pig-like delight into shaded grass with complete abandon. When she had spree and would do the little butt tuck run that dogs do as she raced highest speed back and forth to a toy she was throwing for herself you couldn’t help but laugh.

With all that said, she bit someone (again) and then attacked another dog the following day (again). The results of my breaking up the fray are (as the doctors put it) “near complete amputation of the soft tissue on the left thumb” where she in a moment of frenzy decided to clamp down on me and chew, hard. She’s too unpredictable, like I’ve been so often in my life as well. She reminds me all too well of what it was like to be in a psychosis, seemingly find one instant, chasing strangers the next.

Thankfully I wasn’t put down during those episodes, I was treated with care and compassion well beyond what I feel I actually deserved. It’s sad to think that despite all my efforts and love she will still hit the end of the road far sooner than she (in my mind) was intended. I imagine on some base level, it’s the same frustration and discontent that so many who have watched me battle with addiction have felt. For me, though she be only a dog, there is a lesson to be learned in her passing.

Time is short, personal stability is crucial to long term happiness, and you never know when the final curtain call is going to land.

I’ll miss you Gigi… have been a touchstone and an embodiment of all the insanity and weirdness in my head. You always seemed to be on edge and I never knew what would scare you and have you shivering in a puddle as close to me as you could. After surviving kill shelters, humane society returns, homelessness and then finally landing someplace rather comfortable, the clock has run out. I can’t continue to jeopardize the safety of those around us and I don’t have any other rescue options open to me. I love you, and hope you’ll be happier on the other side of the veil. Maybe you’ll find some of that peace that you never quite were able to find with me.

I’m sorry.


Dogs love grass.
Friends until the end.

Crazy dog on a leash nipping the beak of an Alpaca,
a little bundle of terror–so damn happy.
She’s out on four paws in the noonday shade,
fucking with a goat-kid we saved from the grave.
Throws herself carefree in the still biting grass,
rolls until she can finally hit that perfect spot in need of a scratch.
No shame in her game as those jowls go flapping,
smiling like the devil inside,
bounds off into the hills,
roaming free now,
ignoring all but her truest calling.
Glinting light off one scarred eye,
covers up the mysteries of whats come to pass,
it’s always in the past,
and we’ll know not why.