Baby, give me gasping galaxies of infernal heat to warm the vacuum where once I lay. Cut dusted fragments of the stars from my body and my mind–it think find its soul which till remembers the last whisper and caress out there where we made our nests in nebulae, powdered our faces in fractal fission and wept at the insane beauty that stretched to the unknowable ends. Give me whetstone tones of tenderness to grind on down these rough edges, I know you will. Fine tune my harmony to match the orchestra, I know you will. Love me gentle and love me brutal, I’ll do same. But, on the nights I go to bathe in the shimmer and glimmer of dead Giants birthing monstrous infinities while listening to shadows hum their lonesome shaded songs….on those nights, I am forever free.
Another night is gone,
The goddamn birds are chirping,
And while I think I was productive,
I’m sure it wasn’t worth it.
My eyeballs ache from skullbound flashes,
Each tendon in my body is moaning,
The sun and sky are so bright with light,
That “back inside” seems to be an order instead of what’s right,
I hang back at the door, or sheet, or flap,
Screwing up my mind and face to think about,
Why despite the price,
I race the setting rays into the West,
A challenge that bears no chance to win and promises self inflicted malice.
It feels so nice to taste the liquor of the stars,
While moonlight drips down as whimsy scented honey,
Transforming us all into the Cosmos serving bar.
Thick blue hued amber smoked into an untouchable glow,
Spirit boosting tinsel to top our nightly gifted box.
Conjures whims and true lunacy,
Sets the true Faithful afloat,
In a boat atop the inbound light.
So, so, slow.
Living like a cat last summer,
Couldn’t afford sheets or real food,
But the room was a soft pink,
And the lumpy mattress felt softer than the bricks.
Living like a cat I was,
Crawling under piles of clothes to nap,
Eating cans of tuna (pocket sized),
Basking in the sun so the shade felt cooler.
Cat life is great for those critters,
But at 6’+ and a bundle of seething “more,”
It’s feline for some but didn’t sit right on me,
So I’ll gladly hand it back this time around.
Feeling a bit more canine today.
Though cans of tuna still roll free,
I have a forever human to lick,
Hopefully I’ll get older than a pup –
— goddamn pet control still wants to lock me up.
wearing an embryo,
would prefer a large flopping sombrero,
small skin means tight fit.
bedazzled rodents fly,
as shockingly agile bullets,
spreading feet like wings.
plastic horror show,
melts to a puddle of goop,
Barbie versus torch.
Long night, long day.
Screeching whistles from the bat winged harpies playing in the sun.
I swear I put a dog collar over the tree stump last week,
Wonder what happened to the dog?
I should probably go out and check,
But now it’s impossible to tell through all their beaks.
Should have embellished the points of each ear,
Small silver trellises of moonlight into nursery rhymed eyes.
C’est la vie,
I’ve got a lockjawed dedication that demands fevered lacerations,
And if they leave a few eggs on the ground for breakfast this evening –
-so much the better.
Here’s my brain, jumbled – uncorrected, fragmented, spelled wrong, poorly if at all edited….here is my brain, and all the events that lead me to today, one leapfrog memory to the next…
“You’ve got stories brother. Unbelievable, stupid, mind blowing, bizarre stories. Seriously, what is wrong with you?” – Detox Allstars
So this is where it’s all supposed to start. A basic outline, an imagining of sorts where I’m supposed to explore all the small little fucking spider webbed fragments of memories that are housed in the jumbled attic of my mind. What a blissfully wonderful, simple, and ridiculously overwhelming challenge.
I’d so dearly love to string everything together….which is clearly why I’m avoiding even beginning to think about a specific story to start the unfolding thereof.
So where to begin….
That dumb bitch had been pissed off at her boyfriend. It had started when we were playing that endless methed out game of Uno in the trailer across from Morgan’s. I don’t even know what had started her off. I think I assumed that I had something to do with it. I know I wasn’t wearing shoes. We had finally succeeded in getting Morgan’s poor boyfriend with his braces to start smoking with us. Poor bastard was just as far gone as I was and then some. I felt bad for him in the way I would a lost little puppy. Envious of his huge pupils. I loved the way eyes began to look when the black started to eat its way through the color. It was the end of clean thoughts, it was the end of humanity. It was like being carried away into the security of knowing that you weren’t there anymore. There was a peaceful fascination and raging wildness in it. I would lose myself in my own any time I caught sight of them in the mirror. Sickly enormous puddles of oily depths that offered nothing and dragged me into a world of absolute freedom where I could indulge the most whimsical or craven whim simply to sate an instant desire.
Why we jumped in her car or where we were headed I don’t know. Somewhere out of town. I was at the tail end of still owing the woman I had been babysitting for money after that horrible tear through town with everything she had strapped to my ankle. Like always after I had been awake for days things were snapping into blurs of disconnected focus without any attachment.
It didn’t used to be like that. When I had first started hitting ye ol’ crystal I could hold my shit together like a champion swimmer sucking oxygen before the final turn. Sleep deprivation was something that happened – par for the course my friend. We were tweakers and it was important that you were able to get used to your mind function sufficiently to continue funneling the ever so necessary funds to procure the ever so necessary chemicals to continue fueling the body. Otherwise you would stop moving….and that would mean going to sleep, which meant confronting the real world and it’s sad and pathetic real speed. With all the sad, worried, angry, threatening, concerned faces of those who care about you trying to figure out what to do next. Or worse, not trying to do anything. Then there would come the process of looking for all the things that you hadn’t realized you’d lost, spent, broken, misplaced, destroyed, sold, overdrawn, made promises about, lied about, etc….wreckage, wreckage, wreckage.
No, sleep deprivation wasn’t such a bad thing, as long as you could hold your shit together mentally enough to keep the fun going. Which I did wonderfully well for the first bit. Everyone else seemed to enjoy pushing it to a couple days. Say 48-72hrs.
Fucking pathetic. I was doing that on willpower when I was 10. Though when I got curious after my climbing coach’s story about caffeine pills and ate 32 of them at once when I was 12 and put myself in the ER it should have been a pretty significant warning sign that I wasn’t too worried about stimulants if they were going to be able to get me where I thought it was I wanted to go.
But I digress….
(1st attempt at spoken word….written version below. Please stick past the 1:00 mark as it hits a much better rhythm and pulls together everything)
Because you and I have depth.
No shallow pieces of paper whipping in the wind here.
We’re fucking mountains with roots buried in lava.
Through chunks of earth.
Through underground lakes.
You and I are living statues giving statements.
Cut through miles of meat.
Let out rivers of blood.
No 2D, weak minded, single sided bullshit here.
Find the spinning core of pressurized EVERYTHING that powers our furnace.
I’m not powered by the drive for one thing.
I’m an addict.
I’m a fucking hero.
I’m a lunatic.
I’m a fanatic.
I’m an extremist.
I’m a fatalist.
I’m a romantic.
I’m passion given wings and no name.
I run on need.
I’ve been asked what makes me tick.
Why do I do it again?
Why am I so fucking sick?
Because I live on fear,
On love, on hope, on greed, on determination, on demands, on need, on want, on confusion, on chaos, on misery, on joy, on pleasure, on excess, on more.
I live on intensity.
I breathe it.
The world spits straight fire down my throat so hot that all I can beg for is a drink to put it out,
And a shot to start the burn again.
I’m not bored.
I’m scared that the moment it stops, I’ll be less interesting to myself.
That the world won’t have a reason for me to be around.
I’ll be normal.
And I don’t understand that word.
This is the only norm I know.
If I didn’t have this excuse, what would I be?
What would I call myself?
What excuse could I hide behind?
How could I explain the things I’ve done?
How would I explain my failures?
What if I didn’t fail?
What if it didn’t have to be so intense it hurt?
Even if it feels so good.
Love wouldn’t have to be so intense that it overwhelmed.
Passion so hot that nothing would ever live up to it again.
Confusion so baffling I couldn’t see a road out.
Joy so large that no laughter would fill it.
Chaos so overwhelming that the world would fall to pieces.
Pleasure so satisfying that nothing would ever be enough to replace it.
Past the screaming need for everything in spades.
For each emotion to be etched into me until I’m raw.
Way, way the fuck down there.
Beneath the lowest layers of urgency.
There is peace.
There is a quiet place that I can call part of me.
Part of the landscape of my soul.
Proof that I wasn’t always an adventurer.
Once, I was calm waters welcome moonlight to bathe across me.
I was a home where the word gentle wasn’t a foreign concept.
Where there was no race for adrenaline.
And that was okay.
All I have to do is take a breath and let myself submerge far enough to find it.
Go into the dark.
Into the deep.
Into the depths.
Katrina is the daughter of a young lady who was essentially my counterpart – plus breasts. Owing to some poorly relayed information and a protective need following the 6-year old girl’s admittance to counseling because she thought “that good guy (me) was going to die…” – left the mom backed into a corner. I was told never to call or contact her again, though I didn’t find this out until after writing and sending this as a letter.
Kat is the girl who moves with feline grace,
A Cheshire flashing grins all over the place.
Rina is the girl who thinks like a firecracker,
Sharp as a tack, brain to match, thought cracking master.
So when Kat disappears, lithe as a rope.
Her partner has time for mischief while both elope.
They’ll lay out their traps for mommy to find,
Materializing from thin air defying space and time.
And, occasionally mommy may crack a tooth,
To which she bellows, “Watch out, they’re on the loose!”
When their forces combine, surely a hurricane whistles,
Smashing and crashing like a runaway missile.
Theirs isn’t a rhythm, though they have a reason.
For they are a weather event with no established season.
Rain gummy bear gifts will the storm throughout Spring,
Summer has July 4th, so we know what that means.
Leaves Fall heavily into sacks until carefully deconstructed,
Then snow tries to trap them inside with all the strength it can muster.
Though their actions are sometimes bizarre,
Kat and Rina will surely go far.
For they are glowing beauties with insides to match,
The troubles they get in are because sometimes we all crash.
Mistakes can be made, and will eventually fade.
Everyone works to be better,
Life in reverse is all based on what you gave.
Still thinking of you kiddo…
*nearly a year later and still no contact.
There’s an intensity that leaves nothing but a vacuum behind it,
A bullet hole wasted emptiness drags into a crater shocked from hit after hit.
Temporal fracture points and blanketed waste lines,
Maddening shallowness where no sparks can be refined.
They’re just words put to words put to words,
Shredding thoughts until there’s no meaning left and the musicians are missing the chords.
Scream, whistle, shriek, whisper, mutter, babble,
Consume, read, absorb, listen, digest, dibble and dabble.
The air crackles with the clutter of a thousand ideas,
My brain is burning from a million needs demanding release.
Every nerve is a blasted land of agonizing pleasure I grovel and ask to relive,
I’m in love with the rage, the energy, the uncontrollable beauty of power it gives.
All the information is useless in the end.
What point when there isn’t a person to converse with I’d call friend.
You fucking people drive me crazy.
I make myself manic to the point I can’t move, comatose and lazy.
When thought is so painfully fiery that no more can be endured,
I lay back and pray that the end will crack the chains to which I’m moored.
Let my mind wander to the lights above and send my soul spinning,
Beyond the grasp of this inane insanity,
To something meaningful that will make my heart beat for something more.
Blistering heat from a liquid sun,
That has burned up thoughts,
My eyes, their soul and my fun.
What brought on this sanguine approach?
Lost crouching and encroaching on sad joys and lost hope,
I’ve spun out my wheels into newly made glass,
Sand heated to molten,
Razing a shimmering patch.
Skidded to halt over stones constructed as ruts,
My misery shines through soaked in blood, tears, and guts.
Systematic breakdown of holy while high,
Head snapping, throat shaking, body trembling, while I –
Stagger to golden notes,
Choke quietly on the last strand of hope,
Chase goals through my screams,
Praying each daymare fades to a dream,
Balance desperately on life’s beam.
Stable for now,
Scared to say how.
Each breath shoves me closer to the edge,
Welling up my sweet desperate pledge,
To my kids and myself –
“I’ll change this life to a road followed out of hell.”
My mind and spirit can shatter,
Leave me mad as Alice’s hatter –
And though clouds block her burn,
To touch that blistering heat of our liquid hot sun,
Is to what I aspire and yearn.