Change the Future

Agents of Change

Beguiled and lost in the haze of one life,

Still losing out on what could salvage that strife,

Put meaning and purpose behind all the pain,

Gather the crazy to shed light on the game,

For all the nights spent on streets,

Walking and stomping amuck.

Banging head against wall for the sound of a thud,

Claiming bad luck.

If I had to find solace in all of the facts,

Like the door once chopped down as a kid with an axe,

It would be to show vision of future not so bleak in design,

Make windowless posters and let bleed out my mind,

To a world created unsorrowful, joyous and free,

Pleasure found in success is where I’d seek to be.

I’d be pleasant and loving,

Caring and nurturing,

Devoted and faithful,

Consistent and capable.

Brilliantly damaged with an uncrafted mind,

Open to new thoughts,

Carefree instead of careless with my time.

I’d be playful and cheery,

Opulent in my charity,

Give all with sincerity,

Never expect in return,

I’d find that blistering heat of our sun to which I once yearned.

There’d be lessons with smiles,

Understanding and patience for miles.

I’d recognize your pain that I felt as a child,

Never more would I feel like I was trapped in a zoo.

The display would be dismantled,

Daily shit show would be cancelled,

Put the guardrails away,

Be approachable, jokable and laughing while at play.

I’d tell a story that said all the mistakes clear and loud,

Put nothing out there afloat on pink cloud.

Pride in voice to name myself a survivor,

Through chance and luck as much as MacGyver.

Explore the recesses of why I did what and how it had to have changed,

Look never for excuses, but reasons to grow, heal, and set aflame,

-a desire for beauty to cross ‘cross the world,

Melt away shame for my broken child be they me,

Boy or girl.

Stand owning my personal legend of existence,

Know that at the end of my days,

I made something more than a negative difference.

Snorting Magic

Insuflate that oxygen,

Couple it with sick twists of noxious purity,

Damn kid.

You’re breathing.

Prevarication

Lies and lies.

Populated pupils and dilated docility,

Give kindness your word beast won’t you?

If not for my sake then for saving humanity.

Complicating compilations adjusting advocations,

The linguistic touch of verbal salve,

Leads to mental second looks of doubt with postration.

Vivisect volumes while dancing delicately and deft,

Wounded wordsmith of untrusted breath.

Smile Damnit

Hit me with the zap darling,

Break apart the cheek sockets,

Gimme a zing that chews joy,

Spits grit and evaporates misery,

I’d like one for the road,

Splintering that jaw bone,

Forcing the brightside parade of glee,

And even if,

I’ve got tongue sized words to disagree,

They don’t matter much,

When eyes twitch out of touch,

I’m lubricated,

Half insane,

Thank God for magic moments,

Watching sadness drift down a drain.

Overloaded

Stagger and stumble,

It’s nothing if not simple overload,

So when you hear my voice fumble,

I wasn’t trying to goad,

There’s maximum saturation,

No matter how clear you flowed,

My mind lacks your maturation,

Information gets lost despite how you sowed.

BPD Splitting

If it were to be the way that BPD were,

You’d be a goddess or a demon all cut pure,

In gleaming shards of perfect,

You’d hate with everything,

You’d love without anything in reserve.

There would be no middle ground,

No gray area to be common found,

I’d split your single you into two,

Burn effigy of the one not true,

Until the times they changed again,

And I realized that you were my truest friend.

Thank God you’ve showed me to look beyond,

Hear the words your actions write,

When ears signal music to a different song,

You’ll remain imperfectly perfect,

Beautifully flawed,

Like us all.

Timed Out

Misanthropic pendulum of all that ever was,

An illusion mastery subtle and nonplussed,

I’ll wave this wand to carefree bless,

Our mouthfuls at the trough.

So sate your hunger amidst mine,

And let’s dance across the world,

Pay out to shallow graves,

Never knowing we lacked the time,

Though through it was where we hurled.


Glass Walls

Glass maze image from overhead.
Labrynth

Putting pieces back together in a maze made of glass,

Seeing clear the future goals to move beyond the past.

These walls that edge without blotting out my vision,

They feel so tight yet loosely fit and lie about position.

I thought myself to be far in, so buried deep indeed,

Nearly neglected thought and action calls to change for want not need.

Quickies


Truncated meat sticks all bundled up warm,

I’d advocate for less layers,

We’d look less like worms.


Ever have that moment,

When you have to peel words off your brain,

There’s almost a physical sensation,

Like the tactile release of an orgasm,

Only small like,

Sometimes.




Externaphizing

Hoping the jury is out.

I’m coming to the realization that on so many different levels I am either a remarkably calloused and demanding individual or there is a screw truly loose (several more likely) upstairs. It’s the only thing that can, or would, account for such indiscriminate moments of self indulgent burbling and behaviour as leads me to regularly overlook the concerns of those loving figures in my life. Unless I am well and truly an actual certifiable dick.


I’m even finding a flair for it in the fact that I tend to fixate on my own reactions and actions in situations – pre-emptively justifying some flagrant display of asinine “my way or the highway” choice making prowess with a fixated smile plastered in disregard on my face (which I will only later realize to my own chagrin). If I were to explore the world around me, step outside of this little glass room and observe that what I previously represented as fun was actually a brazen push off of my wife’s emotions and verbalized needs (supplanted by my own), irresponsible actions that drained coffers and put us at risk, and a worthless extension of a wonderful day into the doldrums and mire of a night huddled at opposite sides of the van.

Somewhere along the lines there is a lynchpin moment – like when I say, “wow, we are getting along great recently!” Klaxons should go off inside my head that any moment now my own self-destruct sequence just silently clicked on and started down. If I can chase back that singular moment as it happens and repetitiously drill it into my head that this is the moment where a choice can mean the validation of goodwill and genuine happiness being experienced and a continuation thereof, or disaster and a repeat of the same overplayed mistakes once again.

It seems intuitive that anyone would want to sustain positivity and goodvibes that are making themselves felt in an interpersonal dynamic – so why does my brain blank to suddenly and with seeming intent when it comes to taking the basic neccessary steps to do so? I don’t like the burned out husk of joy that is left when I don’t, no one does. If I have to be self serving enough to recognize the discomfort that the miss of that moment will bring to myself in order to identify the external impact that will precede, so be it.


I really hope I’m not just a dick. That would really be terrible.