Where our main characters find themselves journeying apart from each other into adventures and places unknown in the hopes that they will reunite as realized and complete individuals on the other side….so we begin in Reno, NV…..
S & H at Taco Loco
Transcribe the hope I feel into optimism and other such essential stuffs. Imbibe the flow of sweet spirit that drips from off our lips and out our mouths. Believe in dreams meant not to fade even if the road has twisted uglier and uglier still. Hold tight to goals we shared as our footsteps drift further and further apart. We’re still in love, and this journey which so profoundly changed us is not at its end yet – just an interlude.
I’m looking for a flow to spew, to vomit pained fire in words and lyrical nonsense, drench virtual paper in a cascade of feeling, wishing for the release of a moment where my fingertips press onto keys melded into an outpouring of something greater than myself. I’m looking for a rhythm and a cadence, and empty hollow to rest my eyes and heart within where my brain can’t intrude or interrupt where the language is something not of word but made of a noise that comes from deeper down primal and totally absent of definition. I’m looking for a tapping of keys that harmonizes with my feelings and that calms waters boiling over with discontent where monsters lurk and playful creatures breathe imagination as though it were the purest of air carefree in their joy and hungers contented to be their own masters and demanding nothing from anyone. I’m shaking the trees of logic and thought demanding that they un-fucking-root and get on with the business of dying so that chaos can wash over me as a wind of compassion letting me know that the madness is so very real that anything else was a facade and an illusion that its okay and I’ve come home to rest where I belong. I’m lacing myself with poisons to calm the nerves incinerating the memories of dreams never to be realized in pools of chemical passivity bleeding oil into my disquiet shores where the glass and sand are never polished and always cut though they shine like diamonds to lure you in. I’m hunting for a flow, that special moment when time collapses on itself and there is oneness understanding, immutable confidence, and a distant stare connection to more, recognition and awareness, centered peace, consolidated thoughts, pacified emotions, acceptance, and satisfaction. I’m looking for a flow, one that tells me loneliness is temporary, and that the universe is there in all its infinity and splendor ready to skull fuck me back into joy when it feels fit that reminds me there’s no point sulking and being miserable this is the human condition in all its shit stained raimants and that I could be grateful for the ability and opportunity to experience it. I’m looking for a flow, but right now I’m just writing, and there’s no flow to be found.
Sardonic reserves of time kept patience blending outward in rippling shades of hatred. Baby, you’ve got that heart shaped gaping wound says you’re bathed in longing for now not soon. Nothing moves faster than a synapse firing off kilter blistering brain waves melting downwind all splintered. If the days were longer and I could taste your fears all that we’d share could be understanding made clear. So if you’ll touch your enthusiastic distaste to mine lets go passe with anticipation and the cheapest wine. Show me your ugly that I might gag and spew my own redolent virus of loving life all over you.
Witticism fades on dribble soaked lips caught halfway between quip and piss poor joke, snagged in realization that the statement is not desired. Flagrant display following an ineffectual attempt to display the degree of empathy passed across, mirror the affection and nurturing that is so foreign. Scrub out those Golems whispering in thunderous tones where they sit perched atop your clay built heart you’ve deluded yourself into believing beats so strongly. Open yourself to a differing of feelings, a roughshod pillaging of your isolated innocence protecting you as thistles would from the harm beyond.
Detest me. Prevent me. Direct me. Understand this isn’t because I love the control, tt’s because I’m comfortable under thumb. Glassed over with your capable patrols, I dream of places where you can’t come. Starken my blistered eyelids into black, soothing my hopeless windows into life. Border my shutters with metal as a rack, twist out the snips and set them on my strife. I’d adore you in a thousand ways, until the sun melted skin to butter. I”ll adore you for a million days, until you burn my offerings for another. Supplant me. Scrub me. Deviate me. A love song played on sickly notes, I’d choke the lies out as they die in my throat. Play fragrant music that offends the nerves, disturb the inoculated innocence I sought to preserve. Wrap on tightly around the collar, building up bricks laid as cannon fodder. Sing back the rhymes I hope will carry through, but it’s all waste and wasteland even to you. Describe me. Vilify me. Sharpen me. A knife edge on razors surface, culls back the meat so plentiful with purpose. Strips back the layers of beautiful sin, exposes righteously the soul within. Expounding virtuous betrayals, never to be found despite the trails. Leave me. Spit me. Vomit me. I was never what was good for you, and now I’ll live marred forever, lost in this lonely zoo.
Watched from the outskirts all rimmed in love, you gave over no safety that I could feel of. Watched bygone while I struggled and spit venom and vomit up until I was spent. Watched while the waves came on moving higher, swore I’d tell you to fuck off from my funeral pyre. Watched while I grew sturdier before I faltered again, lost deep in mire of life and filled up with sin. Watched endless triumphs burned to the ground, seemed life went crashing down even without you around. Watched this final run at the finish line with new eyes and a tone that said things would might not be fine. Watched as realities melted and took rent in my head, finally recognized that all wasn’t right for my seeming age. Watched with compassion even from afar, spent time learning rather than coaching a “star”. Watched me enroll and hit the books, instead of crack pipes and needles if you only knew. Watched me change for ways in the better all dulled by the pain, I walked through the fires in flames before I saw you again. Watched me marry and find a good woman who’ll last, she once told you to get bent though its all in the past. Watched me grow up finally into something akin to man racked in regrets and scarified skin. Watched the people I’d hurt and sometimes you’d side, with me over others, though it crushed my pride.
At the end of my days when I look on out to consider how far I’ve come and whether I should be bitter. You did the best you could with your view of the world that you did what you could to help despite all the churls. If it wasn’t for you I don’t know where I would’ve been, maybe the futures changed are in respect to what you did. Parenthood must not be easy I say as a father, one seemingly absent forever trying to reclaim self enough not to falter. And if my children one day come looking this way I’ve got apologies, presents, and a lifetime to share— I’ll do it different then you did, I want them to know that I’ve cared. And if that isn’t enough and they hate on me still, I’ll know that I forgave you for it eventually, even without a will.
I’ve posted at various points about the women I had been in meaningful relationships with over the past several years. I’ve started the process of trying to own my mistakes and damaging choices that I made which wrongly hurt so many. I’m not expecting forgiveness nor looking for absolution – I simply want them to know that I see, finally, what I was doing, and that I am using that knowledge to change – but that I am truly sorry that I never gave validation to their suffering or trials as my partner.
The woman in the picture is my wife. We have been married for nearly a year now and during that period, for nearly 7-months of that I was in a schizoaffective psychosis that made it excruciating at points for us to interact. I left her for another woman, an ex, and then came crawling back as the hallucinations and delusions became too much. She welcomed back a broken and distorted man who was in the middle of, very literally, losing his mind.
At various points during what should have been our honeymoon period, I was convinced that she was in collusion with a massive entity that had designs on my life or was controlling and manipulating every facet of my existence. At others she was the embodiment of every other woman from my past, down to peculiar quirks, gestures and habits. She was going to be my executor and was part of the CIA, maybe she was part of a higher learning classroom where the objective was to transfer the emotional condition of each unknowing participant to their partner in order to engender sympathy and empathetic understanding of their challenges, she had been solicited by the local police force as part of an investigation into me and was the only reason I wasn’t in jail, we were unified spirits finally returning to each others company as we had been separated at birth, I was an android, we were both part of a “Matrix” style computer simulation, we were in a computer simulation again but this time it was part of a pre-death effort to recover functional control of the potential disability funds that I was too apply for – we were both on our way out and there was a timed limit to how long we could be sustained, she was god, she was my mother, she was my sister really, we were siblings, we were part of a government solicited experimental project that dated back into the early 1960s and was consistent with mind control practices used by the CIA and the conditioning had finally started to falter and a reset was needed in order for us to continue on, the experiment was over and the pain was from the conditioning being wiped, I was part of a TV show and was always considered an overindulgent jackass but the popularity had hit a decline and now the producers were reworking to see if they could salvage what had been a massive financial expenditure, there were patterns in all of the lights and colors that indicated specific events that would be forthcoming, the patterns were there to trigger latent programming in my mind to demand I act in certain ways……on and on and on.
Heather dealt with accusations, assertions, demands that were incredible unreasonable, threats, hostile looks, battered and desperate sobs, breakdowns, manipulations on her reality to try and line up with what seemed to be gaslighting, and capped with endless triggers to her own trauma that brought it back into full swing for her PTSD – she walked down the same road as I, holding my hand while my mind shattered and I became completely incapable of functioning in any sort of a way. I became wholly dependent on her emotionally and often physically as I would need direction to do the simplest of tasks.
I don’t know how she did it, I can’t imagine the entire extent of psychological and emotional damage she endured for that period – all while being judged and criticized by her family for standing by the side of a “schizophrenic drug addict” to such an extent all support and contact was removed.
She is truly incredible. Today, I am enrolled in college full time studying towards a law degree. We own a small RV that barely functions but acts as home. Support comes in from my family as we have actually rebuilt a degree of trust and love now that I am on a steady and clear path forward. They see the efforts that we have put in and the support we’ve given each other. When Heather broke down and checked into the local hospital, I was able to be there as a steady support and ensure that she was taken care of and all the outside concerns were handled so she could relax.
I was shattered at one point to the level that while sitting in the hospital with a deep wound from breaking a window in frustration that I didn’t know my name, my gender, my birthday, anything beyond that I was sitting in a hospital. She nurtured and helped grow me back into an actual function adult, and a partner that adores and supports (as best he can) her in turn – trying to reciprocate what she extended so freely despite the obstacles.
I love her to pieces, she astonishes me with her creativity, emotional connection to the larger whole, altruism, sympathy, caring and respectful behavior towards anyone and everyone – completely free of judgement. She is loyal beyond what could ever be expected of someone to endure and when she sets her mind to any task she has such a commitment as I can only dream of. For all her peculiar little quirks and certainly acknowledging that we all have faults, she is one of the most remarkable people I have ever met with a story that would bring any rational person to their knees in disbelief. She has been on quite the journey with me, and I am proud to finally be returning what she invested – surely to the disbelief of anyone who was in doubt of her decision if they were still paying any attention.
Most what I admire however is the truthfulness she embodies in every action and conversation throughout the day. Coupled with her open mindedness regarding life and non-judgemental mentality, we can speak openly about our challenges, desires, mistakes, fuck-ups, and everything in between. She has challenged me to have such a degree of integrity as she does, to walk the walk and own my actions, to grow by mimicry at first and then taking my own steps. She and I are building a life together, starting from nothing, but laying every component carefully so as to have the most solid of foundation–something neither of us has ever done.
We truly have been through one hell of a ride, but today we are able to laugh, enjoy some precious moments, and be secure in our connection to each other, knowing that nothing can, or will, break us apart.
A note from Skye: at a juncture in our relationship where I had left the woman who is now my wife behind to go on a callously stupid and ill-fated journey elsewhere, she inscribed a note on the blackboard I have inside the roof of my truck (then my home). She wrote me, “Never forget, that home is where the heart is.” Despite going through terrible fights and challenges as I lost my mind following a tearful reunion and after our marriage which eventually led to my diagnosis of schizoaffective, she has remained a constant presence and holds my soul, mind, and thoughts to a more serene path than I have ever imagined to be possible. It isn’t easy for either of us sometimes, but in honor of the forthcoming holiday and a desire to put a smile on her face, the short poem below came about. The dog I had at the time which came to love her as well was named Luna – hence the image attached. Thank you for reading.
That beast with feel good flames,
It shatters personality with energizing fear,
Makes a whole of fractured creatures,
Absence felt but unseen shines light,
On the gnarled path to something true and right.
Rather than lost and alone we find our way here,
Out of the forest of broken hopes,
To a land fabricated of dreams and words,
Of possibilities and limitless features.
When we journey beyond the ken of all that’s known,