I wanted to play with the glitter of your soul
so that you could see how bright it sparkled.
I wanted to rip rainbows out of the clouds
so you could appreciate the birth of colors.
I wanted to teach you that anything was possible
so you would chase your dreams however implausible.
I wanted to gift you love until you beamed
and all the pain of life was not so bad as it seemed.
But I did it wrong.
I broke your heart,
in the end,
maybe I should never have tried to start.
This doesn’t feel like the first time I’ve walked through this garden, even if the gate hangs with a different name. The scent of potential hung over you like petrichor drawn in deep and lingering long after the thunder. Half-constructed trails meandered through the beds of saplings, seedlings, and sprouts before disappearing into mere suggestions of where they might continue. The promise of beautiful life elegantly displayed with artistry and love. Grappling to find the light. Just in need of some gentle tending to realize its magic for all to see.
I walked your cobblestones until they turned to dirt and brambled overgrowth. Poured heartfelt time into removing the obstructions so the sun could shine openly and feed the newness aching to reach the stars. Painstakingly watered while I worked, a labor of love. A dream of what was emerging. Marked new trails. Scattered endless new seeds. Coated all the leaves in a spray of herbs and words to drive the bugs away who would seek the generosity of your flesh. Cleared and cleared and cleared the brush, which grew back faster than I could ever seem to keep up with. When my back ached, my hands blistered, and my face was crisp from the sun, I kept at it.
You fed my soul in turn. Nourished my belief in all the possibilities as I saw the petals opening. Sweetly urged me through the darkness of inner nights with the simple innocent affection of new beginnings and growth. I saw shooting stars against my sometimes impenetrable blanket of desperation and fears You inspired me, challenged me, and loved me with bright flowers. Chittering laughter as the wind swept your fragile branches together while a dance of light scattered through your blossoming leaves. Your smile was dew on grass blades refracting the sun and capturing the world in a sphere. You spoke to my heart as I labored to speak to yours.
I heard the flames crackling behind me as I left, and now all you are is ash.
I had no more water left to pour, no more energy left to give. My home garden needed my love as well, and all my time was spent drifting through yours. I failed to find the balance they both needed, and that failure had a heavy price.
Someday, I hope to walk past your arched entry. To see your name proudly gleaming in gold. Friends, and admirers laughing while taking in all the beauty that you are. To know that you burst into life in my wake.
Not because of anything I did.
Because of the magic that has always been you.
Sometimes ash is a better gift than any human effort.
A clean field to start again.
It doesn’t mean I’m not sorry.
It doesn’t mean I don’t wish I’d had more to give.
Or that I hadn’t listened better as you tried to teach me how to tend you better.
Or that I’m not grateful for every moment I was privileged to spend inside your walls.
So very, I wish, I could have, and I am.
Even if you never see this….
….please know I will always love you.
Wealth I found
past the cracked shoreline
where the temper of the rain
is always less than kind.
Across the grass gone to rot
in fields capped gray
seared to pathetic dust
fed on by insects
and home to spiders.
Beyond the sealed tops of wells
whose water had all soured
from dirt made mud
reeking of sulfur
which fouled the clarity
and the taste.
Against the backdrop
of a melted sun
pouring its soul
into an endless blue
as night shadowed close
to extinguish the light.
Deep in the badlands
mind spinning wildly
sparking against the solitude
a heart caught flame
and in the darkness
exposed the gold
staining each footprint.
Etched ink drawn out in scars so colorful and deep they collapse the night around them,
I stare at them, on my arms, on my chest, on my fingers, on my neck,
this collection of reminders I wear to remind me of experiences,
they are my gateway to recall, to the moments that shaped me, that broke and remolded me.
Memories pour across the neurons, a kaleidoscopic whirl of time merging from past to present,
let me bathe inside the warmth of the smiles, the haloed intensity of each saturated moment,
let me wander determinedly into the shadows of loss, the grief, the regrets, the mistakes,
let me step boldly now across the insanity, the passions, the desires, the absences, and the half forgotten faces.
Take me to the sculpting block where all the roads merge to one, where stone is chipped with experience,
where the cracks define the figure and are the map into my soul, the escape route for my heart.
Let me see the tools we used, from tormented days to breathless ecstasy, from fear to love, from madness to peace,
all the fractured chunks on the floor, finally appreciated for the masterful strokes the universe wielded.
Walk me toward this newfound person, chiseled from the inside and the out to become a reality,
able to see and be seen fully without the cloak of mystery that all raw material has.
It took decades, it took patience, it took heartbreak, it took courage, it took honesty, it took determination,
it took error after error, it took forgiveness, it took deliberation, it took choices, it took exhaustion.
It took every painstaking moment, every particle of hope, and every bout of confusion to get to this moment.
Etched ink drawn out in scars, paint that will never be removed on flesh that yearned so desperately for meaning,
reminders of where it all began, and the journey to where I sit today. Grateful for the path,
mindful of what it cost me and those that entered the studio of my life, open to the light the bathes this world,
in love with existence and the chance to shine bright enough that others may find their way out of the dark.
Burn a fire from where the sparks smolder
let it flourish and ignite the keys you hold.
A world awaits your heated breath,
your liquid sunshine to conquer death.
Embolden your soul in the light you cast,
shine so bright we use it as a guide up the mast.
Fly full figured as the waves crash by,
what doesn’t breaks you is more than to be survived.
This journey started at first inhalation,
it doesn’t end until you join the larger machination.
Draw in that fresh and beautiful air,
fill your spirit until it bursts with love and care.
Have courage in what you are,
a god in people clothing if you dare.
The roads here are infinite and varied,
you walk with them split while finding a life to marry.
You’ll never know your power until you seek it out,
find that fountain of strength to draw it up in a shout.
The world needs your vision and your story,
share it proudly, every second wasted you just tarry.
Dreams fly here,
on the winds of passion,
joy soars here,
in the lakes within your eyes.
Peace roars here,
welcoming you home at last.
We missed you.
Sweet one with your love so pure,
child stumbling in shadowed fear,
never knowing the right words to speak,
grasping for someone to assure.
You’re seen there in the dark,
space where monsters thrive and hunt.
Nightmares become reality,
you sketch dreams of life with chalk.
No one knows until they know,
though it seems so clear after the fact.
Hard to swallow when nature calls on you to trust,
those larger ones that act yet reap nothing that they sow.
Those distant memories are not such dust,
history and answers with eyes turned in,
never thought I’d see you again,
it was time for the work and at last it was a must.
Let me hold you under glowing stars,
as we watch them dance to the music of infinity,
let me hold you in their friendly glow,
we will sing songs and clean the pain that mars.
You’ve been lost to the ocean of time between,
found at last with a message of hope.
Forgiveness for something you never intended,
it wasn’t your fault, the directors flawed the scene.
Welcome home sweet one with your love so pure,
I’ll wipe your tears and shed my own,
its been forever since you knew where to find a home.
We have a family, and ourselves, this is no lure.
Thank you for keeping alive a spark,
you have it now, a life to live, and a truth to build.
Thank you for finding your way back to me,
lets attach to ourselves,
get ready to do this right and begin from where we start.
Interpersonal dynamics with a radon bomb baby. Burning it straight down to the ground, scream at me like this whole one sided diatribe has become nothing but a song. I hate that our hands touched with venom grasped tight in fists. Cruelty measured in blood ,bruises and spit. Sex without the pleasure and no one ever comes. Where are the guidelines for this shit? I’m no masterpiece and my words sometimes seek wound instead of ears. Verbal lacerations that excite the darkness in both of us until the monster’s out and there’s no going back. Channel that stunner of a mother fucker, find ourselves in prisons far more concrete than the inside of our skulls and with far less forgiving guards. Wasting away, lost to hope and life forever…why? What was gained? I don’t ever dare to ask the other question…what was lost?
Play often with the boundaries inside you head
before they harden into labyrinthine walls.
Doubt the truth of what you know dear one,
for nothing is ever so simple as it may seem.
When the philosopher writes such common tongue
as “I think therefore I am,” dig deeper into
understanding what is meant. Uncoil the beauty
of knowledge shared and questions expanded.
That uncomfortable pressure inside your brain
is nothing more than the price of admission
to a world of creative and well intended information,
each and every bit, a treasure in its own way.
Hallowed evening
moonlit sky
lost direction
asking why
mindless choices
numbing thoughts
careless actions
hurtful shots
taking aim
bitter words
lifeless eyes
broken heard
all consuming
voided – gone
checks cashed
runaway mom
take back
decisions made
better life
absent shade
too late
change past
future hopes
dreams last
action counts
words fly
desperate times
for you and I.
Damaged in an intrinsic way
which belies the way we think,
I’ve settled now in harmless times
with glasses casting shades of pink.
Never say the world is tough
or filtered with what’s unfair,
in desperate times when life sucks
take the cue and be aware.
So crinkling in memorized skin
and dancing with memories come neigh,
I’ve taken solace in the work being done
strive always to hold my head up high.
Plasticity in that neural net
the one which directs the play,
regrows the joy that fear had stole
and gives birth to come what may.
To Ink - a blog from Melting Neurons 