When I was covered in blindness,
one voice called out with love and empathy,
understanding, and compassion without compare.
It said “Find your inner peace,
be happy with who you are
fear not the monsters in your mind,
you don’t understand even what they are”.
The sound pressed heavily
on a head split wide with fears
found measured pain to empathize
sounded like it had shed its share of tears.
It said, “I’ve walked this path,
I’ve trod where you have been,
forward but never straight,
no signposts will you see,
until you’re past where it begins.”
In those lowest moments,
the light seemed not to shine,
the wielder of the loving whip,
a teacher I once thought of as a divine.
Was giving as was got,
despite cups of repetition while I whined, .
So while I beat myself to pieces,
unerringly fueling on the game,
focused on my misery and anger,
while inside I was broken hearted
and obsessively driving myself insane
At last it past, the world and love was open,
anything was possible and real life itself was the reward,
I went on down the familiar trails in a rage,
I’d forgotten completely what it felt like to be bold.
In those precious moments,
That second birthing chance,
where I was open to myself for once,
I could have run on forward,
a knight onto horse while grabbing lance.
I faltered then, that moment and the one that followed fast,
I wouldn’t make the moves.
I wallowed in resentment and the past,
Became an asshole at so many points,
didn’t believe I was capable of making a new choice,
reaction took over hearing,
washed out that blessed voice.
Personal truths and understandings,
Passions and pursuits that now I will pursue,
taking steps to get real help
to actually follow up on what I say I’ll do.
The capacity to look inside,
to be a creator and a giver,
someone who makes instead of breaks,
an actual member of the world,
instead of just some guy.
I’m in a place where I’m finding myself,
and the confidence to be okay with who I am,
I’d like to offer up my gratitude,
and my apologies if I fucked it all up
made it so nothing went to plan,
I took the road most comfortable,
the devil I knew seemed easier,
I know that now for what it is,
a betrayal and a filthy sham..
There were answers in your words,
they echo in my head,
If I had bothered to hear rather than be heard.
I might not have wound up halfway dead.
Now that I’ve been laid bare,
To where my eyes could finally see,
I’m taking breaths of air and life in baby gasps,
becoming something better than an asshole,
someone that I’ve never really been, me.
Recognizing that life is beautiful and valuable,
something absolutely wonderful,
if you reach out and confront true potential,
tread softly, think lightly, and try not to react.
Actually decide to be a player in the game.
Get your points from being who you are,
no matter what that looks like,
the truth will take you far.
Embrace love in all its forms
and own your actions instead of placing blame.
So while I still may stumble,
Hell, I know I get way the fuck off course,
there’s something I need to say
that I lacked the ability or clarity for.
that my actions made impossible,
that I wasn’t ready for until today
I’d be arrogant to presume I could say them best,
I’d heard this song and wondered at the words
it’s so damn clear it seems,
I missed the message all those times,
while walking through a dream,
missed the hope for the fears,
I’m finally able to reflect and smile,
rather than focus on the screams
“Thank you for all the doubts, and for all the questioning,
for all the loneliness and for all the suffering.
For all the emptiness, and the scars it left inside.
it inspired in me, an impetus to fight.”
The lyrics used are from VNV Nation, all credit due to their brilliant writing. Here is their song “Gratitude” which you can listen to and read the rest of here.