Find your voice,
Find your ink,
Air through lips or pressure through finger tips,
Find your voice,
Use it proudly,
Share your love,
Your hate, your pain, your vision, your create, your palette of life lived,
Sing it however you will,
Your voice will carry resoundingly.
Find your voice boy,
Find your voice girl,
If you whisper in the street,
If you stutter and feel like you bleat,
If you shout with violence and hurt,
If you crackle with intensity unleashed.
If the paper runs torn beneath your pressure,
The pentip breaks and spills its hidden treasure,
Find whatever you find that lets you know that you are able,
Complete, and perfectly capable,
Damaged beyond belief,
But beautiful in shining relief,
Find your voice
Find your words,
They’re the path out of wherever you’ve roamed,
And will cut the road home.
Crack Pipe Peter Pan
Call it Peter Pan on a crack pipe flight,
Overseen by angels and whispers of devilish delight.
Carve wanton whiptails in the air,
Playacting as children with zero care.
Feel the rush of blessings given free,
Thank the wisdom that kept you from me.
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What does Schizoaffective Mean?
With an image blast and some optimistic love from Twain….this is uncharted water for me and I’m learning as I go.
Running away from your mind.
Schizoaffective Word Cloud
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Schizo After All
You thieving fucksticks awandering the world,
Prying eyes and solemn lies,
Whisper me that venom.
What a burn that illusion has,
God damn does it sting.
For all the moments pure and right,
I wish the voyeurs would choke on what they do at night.
I’ll sit and eat blister packs of revelation,
Fuming and screaming in pathetic consternation,
You missed the boat!
Sipping coffee in the wind,
dust kicking and battered spirit spitting,
You missed the boat!
Should have stood straight and waved goodbye,
In the end you’re a stepping stone and never mind the tears we cry,
Fucking crafting your soothing scrub to brush it all away –
Hit me with it baby, hit me with that love.
tell me when I should kneel on down,
Mercy and punish – hit me from above.
Prying eyes and solemn lies,
Whisper me that venom.
Fucking preachers of unrequested bedlam,
What does the truth cost?
All you never knew you had.
Just another animal needing tending at the publication zoo.
They say: “If you itch we’ll soothe it.”
I say: “Just don’t pretend you didn’t do it.”
For the fetal breakdowns and the mental throwdowns,
When the color was white and you said it was black,
Hold your truth son,
You might be crazy but you know you’re right.
I’ve got depths beyond what the echoes show,
Slip off to your shame and idolatry,
I’ve been a puppet before but I’ll find a way back to being me.
Ain’t no venom tastes as sweet as truth,
And in those darkest moments when you fear the something more,
You’ll find no rest,
No breath,
No smiles and no safety.
Just the shocked blue eyes of a beaten child whose heart was bent to hate.
Your shares are appreciated, thank you.
The Stuff of Stars
The stuff of stars is what she says we’re made of,
Wildly burning out into the nothing behind warming halos.
Waves of ink staining heaven above wrap around them,
They blaze on in resistance.
Never faltering.
Even though they are but a Dot waging war against an endless sea,
Each wails its personal music into the beyond to remind us that we are not alone,
And some of us are even Angela’s.
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A Divorce for the Past, Present, Future
Burn it, burn it all down.
Stuck in the middle of the fight.
Sexy and alluring
So as something of a preface to the following let me just say that it has been an extraordinary (in both positive and negative ways) period of weeks since I last punched together something to share with the webs’ people. I had a few challenges about a month and a half back which resulted in my being asked to write a divorce letter to my “disease:….but not the quintessential “goodbye forever drugs” – but rather, towards however I envisioned that sickness which had driven me to be were it to wear a physical form. The suave smooth talking salesman, a blundering and demanding gargoyle, a bad ass mans man with a beard, a sexy woman teasing and seducing….whatever form i chose.
Hey baby you sexy thing,
Hey brother you filthy rock star.
Thank you for the stories,
Those staggering rides up with the comets,
Them epic nights rolling without pause into endless days.
Damn but we fucked well and,
Damn we sped past those pathetic sheep on the streets,
Damn we were a fireball of excitement,
A hurricane of insanity.
My sweet goddess of sin,
My destroying titan of hatred.
You blessed me,
You cursed me,
It’s time to walk away,
Sky, John, off with you and your false matrimony,
Off with this slavers collar on my finger,
Just like you spit in my face when the fun was done,
Feel the scornful gaze that your wisdom brought so many I once loved to cast upon me.
Sky, my lovely succubi, take your sinfully beautiful body,
Those promises of impossibly intense bliss that would never end,
Taste the disgust you draped me in before all I encountered.
My gruesome and powerful spirit,
My depiction of remorse,
Of emotion to be understood and chased,
My devil-may-caresofuckitallandwatchtheworldburn charmer,
John, even when you convinced me that I was doing something positive,
Always those that I wanted to hurt the least caught the brunt.
You made loving tantamount to self-inflicted emotional trauma,
Never again.
You both served your purpose, goodbye.
I divorce myself from my past including you.
From the present wherein my personality is lost in yours and all I can see and be seen as is as you made me,
From the future of which I know little,
With this freedom,
I embrace myself again to stand tall and walk with purpose and confidence to something brighter.
Where the voices are new,
The suggestions more pure,
Life lived more passionately instead of intensely.
-S
Your shares are appreciated, thank you.
Lovesick – BPD on Day 2
Lovesick
Why is it that my words echo with such deep longing and feel so true,
But my actions call to task each syllable, each letter, each sentence,
Make me a liar in my own eyes, and shame me to the one I love.
Why is it that I regret each moment of time that I connect to another,
When I know that it will end in tears, that it will end in sadness, in another broken heart,
Because inside I never seem to change from the disgusting thing I’ve always been.
Why is it that the outside which feels so pure and grasps for grace blessed with integrity is so sweet,
When foulness runs afoot on seconds of impulse, chased spots of purgatory, whims of fancy,
Forever haunting myself with the tastes of beauty that I want the world to see me for.
That I think I can be.
But I deceive myself worse than all the rest.
I can never change.
So it seems.
And only God can forgive me in the end.
For I can never forgive myself.
-S
Your shares are appreciated, thank you.
The Stages of Borderline (BPD) – Day 1, Love
There’s something special about you,
That smile crashed the walls of casual interest,
A charged promise that THIS TIME the puzzle pieces would fit.
I see you glowing surrounded by a halo of perfection.
You’re a cascade of hot, passionate, intensity,
But even a drop of you soothes until its painfully peaceful.
I need you.
You ignite everything that is Me,
And you tend the flames while I’m purified in the ecstasy of You.
I want you.
In every conceivable way,
Mentally, spiritually, emotionally, physically.
The universe melts away and when you shudder in the moment,
I’m going to give myself to you so we can bathe in dreams from the inside out,
Kiss you softly on your eyelids and hold you as close as I can.
Can you feel it baby?
Love
Allpoetry.com – Original Post
Your shares are appreciated, thank you.
Addiction Recovery & Borderline Personality Disorder (from PsychCentral)
This is a fascinating and detailed read highlighting some of the specific challenges facing addicts seeking to recovery and dealing simultaneously with a diagnosis of borderline personality disorder (BPD). Great material for anyone interested in the overlapping issues and frustrations in treatment for these two damaging illnesses.
Your shares are appreciated, thank you.
The Update of Hope – 1/12/13
My apologies for not getting on earlier. Everyone following and others have been so incredibly supportive of this site and my work that I feel guilty over a prolonged absence.
However, for the first time in many moons that absence is not related to horrifying events, rather the beginning of a renewed vigor for life and the culmination of some challenging work.
I am being tested at a new position in the hopes it will be come something long term – I’ve thrown myself into it beyond 100% in the attempt to do so. Happily, and with great satisfaction.
I’m finally paying child support, not as much as I would like to be giving to my kids, but everything that I can afford. Consistently and with the intention of finally becoming a consistent presence.
I talk to my children once a week, reliably, and without fail. I have 5 different alarms that go off and warm me so that if I collapse in exhaustion either the alarms, or calls from multiple people warning me, will get my ass up to be there to speak with my remarkable son and daughter. While the animosity is thick between my ex-wife and I, somewhere I’m finding the appreciation and respect for her that I should have. She’s been raising my children while I was unable to. It is my responsibility to earn my way back into the family I destroyed, not expect it handed back with a smile. I don’t think that way all the time, but as I build a better existence and confidence I find that it takes away the undercurrents that I let drag me farther from them.
I’m living in a stable location….more than 40 moves in 2-years….STABILITY would be a blessing in so many ways. It took me almost 3-weeks just to put my suitcase away because I was certain that something would go wrong…now I’m considering bringing more clothes that have somehow survived all the travel.
My squishy and delicious Mimi without who the world would have stopped so long ago. Forever and always will I be hers, and she mine.
Happiness.
I think I’m getting closer to happiness.
God damn if it didn’t take one hell of a journey to get here, and he (or she) shows that I gave up time and time again. They also know I’m terrified that the other shoe will drop at any second – usually I’m the one wearing it when it does.
I’m optimistically terrified of arriving at a new future, a start to something better, and becoming what I was intended to be.
My love to everyone who continues to support the blog. I will be trying to get more consistent again as everything balances out.
Happy 2017, merry-post “holiday insert” – and my wishes for kindness, satisfaction, joy, and contentment in the coming year.
Tonight the world is peaceful.
-S
To Ink - a blog from Melting Neurons 