The Update of Hope – 1/12/13

My apologies for not getting on earlier. Everyone following and others have been so incredibly supportive of this site and my work that I feel guilty over a prolonged absence.

However, for the first time in many moons that absence is not related to horrifying events, rather the beginning of a renewed vigor for life and the culmination of some challenging work.

I am being tested at a new position in the hopes it will be come something long term – I’ve thrown myself into it beyond 100% in the attempt to do so. Happily, and with great satisfaction.

I’m finally paying child support, not as much as I would like to be giving to my kids, but everything that I can afford. Consistently and with the intention of finally becoming a consistent presence.

I talk to my children once a week, reliably, and without fail. I have 5 different alarms that go off and warm me so that if I collapse in exhaustion either the alarms, or calls from multiple people warning me, will get my ass up to be there to speak with my remarkable son and daughter. While the animosity is thick between my ex-wife and I, somewhere I’m finding the appreciation and respect for her that I should have. She’s been raising my children while I was unable to. It is my responsibility to earn my way back into the family I destroyed, not expect it handed back with a smile. I don’t think that way all the time, but as I build a better existence and confidence I find that it takes away the undercurrents that I let drag me farther from them.

I’m living in a stable location….more than 40 moves in 2-years….STABILITY would be a blessing in so many ways. It took me almost 3-weeks just to put my suitcase away because I was certain that something would go wrong…now I’m considering bringing more clothes that have somehow survived all the travel.

My squishy and delicious Mimi without who the world would have stopped so long ago. Forever and always will I be hers, and she mine.

Happiness.

I think I’m getting closer to happiness.

God damn if it didn’t take one hell of a journey to get here, and he (or she) shows that I gave up time and time again. They also know I’m terrified that the other shoe will drop at any second – usually I’m the one wearing it when it does.

I’m optimistically terrified of arriving at a new future, a start to something better, and becoming what I was intended to be.

My love to everyone who continues to support the blog. I will be trying to get more consistent again as everything balances out.

Happy 2017, merry-post “holiday insert” – and my wishes for kindness, satisfaction, joy, and contentment in the coming year.

Tonight the world is peaceful.

peaceful-night-2

-S

 

 

 

 

9 thoughts on “The Update of Hope – 1/12/13

  1. Good to hear all of this, and it is a wise choice to look at your ex with gratitude and all the loving thoughts you can muster. Not only for her sake or for your kids’, but it will help you internally as well. Keep it up and I look forward to more posts! -Amaya

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  2. I don’t know if it’s because I’m just emotional or what, but I’m sitting here crying reading this. I know how it feels to have the father leave the picture for whatever reason. It’s heartbreaking because you want it for your kids so badly. I’m so damn happy that you are doing everything you need to do to talk to your kids. I promise you it will all be worth it! Exes can be hard, just try and remember you’re in it for the kids. Much love to you, your sweet family, new opportunity, and home. ❤❤❤❤❤

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you VKOM….really. You didn’t have to read anything here, and that you did and felt some impact is a treasure for me. I was a horrible father in my absence and selfishness…the present is only the starting place of beginning to try and make up for that. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

        1. In the way that kids do, yes. My son can bring me to tears with one question about when am I coming home, or am I done being naughty, or why wasn’t I at Christmas. We sign “You are my sunshine” at the end of every call since I sang that to him ever night when I still lived at home. Even my 2-year old daughter is singing it now….kids are amazing.

          Liked by 1 person

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