Fabric of Love

If I could spin the words out into something cheerful then a magician I’d be,
instead of a lout on the other side of the board finally staring at a world beyond madness,
Where all the little mockeries and cruel moments would have been nothing but whispers in the air,
because we would have arrived at some place better and far from here.
In the end the poison did its work, and all that venom ran its course.
Rainbows to shadows and unflinching whiplashes all around,
carving each other to nothing when all we wanted to do was be free.
There’s a price we pay for knowledge, and a price we pay for love.
Sincerity at its finest sometimes runs across the mirk and mire layered so deep,
into the shadow places where we fear to walk, don’t dare to tread our feet.
And if I said a thousand times I loved you it wouldn’t change a thing,
our words were tools to sculpt each other into what we wanted,
never looking at the inward mess that turned each of us into fodder.
With veil unbound those shadow teams will play,
their unbridled enthusiasm for pushing buttons with words and silence as their flays.
Maybe we all need a bit, those momentary hells,
and then again we walk in sun, share happiness that swells.
Theirs purity in the essence of this dance,
though its ugly and full of lies.
This time maybe we will both learn the lesson and stand apart on high.
So even if I have a thousand words all laced with fear and hurt and dread,
the truth of it is they do no good when I chase them through my head.
I’m dancing now to the loss and sadness that I don’t know you feel,
it feels a sick and mocking truth to know that I’m the heel.
But in those moments, when I didn’t doubt myself,
I had such joy that I stayed trapped and waited to be engulfed.
Abandon life when you walk the road determined not to stray,
give up the world to sniff off of a tray.
I hold such wanton disgust at the man I’ve been, the weakness you helped me see,
I should have walked out that door so much sooner rather then have us both polluted,
kindness in a temporary misery.
For all the laughs and all the smiles, and the moments that I know were maybe less an act,
I loved you then and I’ll love you in a bitter way all bound up in the dreams that were,
but it’s time to leave this class.
For all the damage that I wrought,
the callous moments when you twisted that knife in deep and I did the same,
regret is there and I’m damaged brand new from all those marks of shame.
Today I’ll take the blessings, even from the lurkers who shift and hide,
the world is new and hearts will heal,
I have to believe that even if I don’t right now.
There are angels in the darkness,
and monsters with beautiful faces,
underneath our unshorn wings,
love and stubbornness have taken me to most unwelcome places.
No longer a child and not quite a man,
I’m forging a path brand new,
I’ll own my side of the equation because that’s apparently what to do.
Less words then actions needed, and I think that’s just the way.
Someone dear told me once that my shine was going to rust away.
So for all the moments, the hopes and the family dreams,
thank you for the efforts you made, and for all the screams.
I wish I made you happier, had broken through the rage,
but I know now you never really were mine to have,
so I’ll be thankful for what you gave.
To the friends I haven’t met,
and those that have seen me sink,
I’ll love your presence in my life,
so much more now that I’m alive at last I think.
Maybe overt optimism,
and I’m sure it’s been a good show,
it’s off to write something that I can be proud of on my own,
with respect and honor for the past and all the ills that came before.
I never know what to say, I get cerebral with all this shit.
I’ll take it with a grain of salt, and recognize I’m learning despite and because of it.
Peace go with you all in the next refrain, we’ll see what comes up next,
I may never have wanted this path, but I’m the one who chose it.
There’s a story to change, and smiles to bring, maybe some that are real at last,
and if I’m the only one sitting there giggling, well, I don’t learn fast.
Best wishes and kisses to you masterful folks,
and the hateful scum amongst.
Love you through the paralysis and the crazy days,
when I couldn’t trust my guts.
I’m going to cut the strings I’ve held for so long learn to laugh and trust myself.
Be well in your own truths.