Gratitude in Babbling

I threw away – more than I can possibly ever know or be able to reclaim. Pissed on kind intentions and raged misery and ego all over the plains. Took a journey on down a reflective road to see all the sights, but clouded my own vision with diatribes and babbling, kept looking for fights.

I don’t know what the future holds, I really don’t. I’m finally finding a sense of comfortable joy, in fits and bursts. Though I sabotage and get bent on all of the angles, I still view the world like it’s filled with radiantly brutal warriors and angels.

If I’m wrong about that I can deal, I’m no winged wonder, I’ve been a sinner down and deep where I did it with zeal. Things are getting better, bit by bit, and as the aha moments come rolling in slowly I’m determined to do a new schtick. Be less of a fuckwad, a characteristically shitty bastard, aspire for genuine goodness, where the ins match the outs and I don’t get so lit.

In all that the shitshow has been, I’ve been authentic and genuine with intentions which paved the road. Indulgent and ego driven crying woe is me and missing the love for the gold. I feel there’s a crossroads, and maybe it’s gone past–but if today isn’t my last then there’s a sun rising that will spew out something less ugly. Empty promises and words that they sound, like a toddler I’m making strides, looking at legs and feet that are found. I hope that the memories will linger forever, not turn tail and hide.

With all the mess that it’s been, and the errors all around. I’ll take my shovel of shit, make less of a sound. Inside everyone that I meet, I still see a chance for a spark, a moment of beauty, that sets each of us united by something, never alone from the start.

I’m coming back to myself in whatever ways that I can, stripping away the poisons bit by bit (I say that while high, I see the hypocrisy, can’t avoid it). I’d like to give back what was given to me, have some of those mercies that others granted passed back with sincere care, compassion, patience, and something I’ve heard of but rarely had attention for, empathy. Life may have been pain, self-inflicted and then spread around–today I’ll stand grateful, humbled, astonished, and numbed by humanity as they abound. I appreciate on the basest of levels, the journey it’s been, the cost it tolled on those who cared for me, and the joys and smiles of the future.

For all that this is lilting, and trailing off poorly, thanks for all the fish you miraculous world, despite the fact I’m running late, the new morning may come early. I’m at a loss for words now, and I’ll need to do some review, but to anyone who spent meaningful time with an ungrateful oddity, thank you, I apologize, and I love you, thank you for taking the time to help me see everything around me with new eyes.

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