I’ve found playful meaning
in the sharpest strands of daylight
while they bleached my night tan
into a wholesome red and brown.
been stripped clean of the unwholesome.
The rasping, the choking, the decaying
scent of another moon laced night
spent chasing dragons down the streets.
In the silver kissed necklace of shadows
that roll menacingly beneath the stars
as a slipshod grasp on tenuous reality
falls away, fast as a bat, never to be caught.
Crawled out dusty and beaten by self
into the unwelcome openness of daytime
Where people have jobs and families
go do things and have fun of their choosing.
There’s always a sick, nasty bitterness
surrounding the way I’d look at the crowds.
In those moments when shame carries
the day and bitterness over the injustice,
of wounds septic and worsening, a brain
melting beneath the heat of inquisition.
A Cadillac of contempt would sit, shining
In the corneas of each purple smudged eye.
Letting the self-loathing and concern go awry,
masking envy as hate and desire as disgust,
riding panic and fear out as arrogance and disdain.
Patronizing seconds as the world creaks,
moans its way out of the decadence of night,
quickens into the tittering joy of form alive.
There’s no surface to touch and manipulate
no interface that allows for a connection across
to that other world imbued with shiny smiles
and unbroken teeth not doing unspeakable acts.
In those moments when the sickness begins,
wafting out of your skin to notify and alert
anyone caring to notice of your diseased being,
your lesser than status, your unworthiness.
Those are the defining moments that show
the defying strength and fortitude you want,
when you have the opportunity tell the world
“get fucked, piss off, I make the next choice.”
or reaffirm the skepticism pandering to your
apathetic acceptance of what life has become.
Those are the moments when the shear grit
required to simply gut out the next series
of bad decisions, knowing how much it will hurt
but owning it, owning that the deeper down
you crawl the higher it will feel at baseline.
When you finally disconnect from the grime
Long enough to breathe untainted air
Purified in the radiance of sunbeams
And the wealth of happiness that soaks
Summer days beneath the blue painted sky,
there is a startling awareness, an epiphany,
a closure to doubt and a recognition,
that sobering up is just getting high in a new way.