Sustaining the willingness to push on past the point when any rationale person would have long ago said fuck it is a trait that I still can’t figure to be an asset or a curse. I’m typing a blog post because I’ve saturated the template folder at work with new email platforms, reached out to a couple dozen old contacts who are going to be wondering what happened since there was that strange rumor for awhile that I had died. The fact that it’s 2am, my girlfriend is furious with me, I’m still going strong, though questioning how coherent I’ll be at the office tomorrow, makes me quiver in delight at the prospect of more. It’s all bizarre. There’s like a weird, near state of ecstasy, which I’m sure is mildly exacerbated by the kind doctor and their recent adjustments to help moderate the torrent of potential true mania that no one can keep up with. Even if I am still wound up like a band, it’s nice to know that I can direct it. Phoenix Advocacy was a dream with high ideals and a proud concept – but directionally failed horrible since we could never get on the same page or stay inline.
I never intended to blog about work. Hell, it seems to be consuming my life already. But that’s a good thing right now. It honestly feels like a warm embrace – purpose. Sadly its likely to week out those in my life that are not so understanding about the intensity that I have to approach it with. For various reasons, it’s crucial that everything that carries a positive tone in my life be attacked with feverish passion. I’m so sick of letting those wonderful moments in life slip through my fingers.
As the man in the photo stands on the ledge, so do i feel sometimes. There is an inevitable precipice of potential failures if I don’t press on, fucking drive with everything I have until there’s bloody stumps where my neural stems used to be in my brain. Until my body collapses because I forgot to eat for a few days again. That’s just life. There’s a small genetic coding marker I’m convinced that is stamped on some of us that just simple says – dial only goes “o” or “100” no middle available – for the amusement of those around us.
We don’t even have to relate it to work – how about exercise. Last year around this time I was pressing for 1600 crunches every other day, and 400-500 push-ups every other day, with weird yoga in between. Totally insane…all or nothing, but I loved the results. You can’t argue with results is the thing. And doing it like this, there are always results. There have to be. I used to jokingly tell people in various situations, take joy in your depression – embrace who you are. Take no shame in it. It’s exactly what you’re supposed to be – and at that moment even when it seems out of the ordinary – the world is a matter of how you (or in my case per this now opinionated column) perceive it.
To top it all off there are some terribly frustrating issues with my ex-wife and my kids. What I don’t really fully understand is how some dirty goddamn fucking gutter punk with the last blast still still stuck to their lips can show up at their BM house and just ask for the kids and they get them…where I’ve gone through the whole fucking legal process, have a freaking order and I still don’t have any recourse with this to make sure i can physically see my little ones. It would make sense if I was violent or something like that – but that’s not the case at all. I can understand her disliking me…but she honestly wants me to die or simple vanish and never reappear in the lives of these kids. I’m amazed. Its remarkable the depths of rage that can be found in the pits of someone who at one point professed profound love for you.
So regardless of that, just one more contributor to the swirling nonsense. The tally of events being dealt with in a positive sense: generators to Syria, Ambit for Mike, all this education and networking for PI taking top priority, assembling ADF team to start acquiring homes to build company around (minimal involvement other then spreadsheets and validating decisions), paying off some long overdue financial obligations – hopefully moving in the next couple months) – on the more negative front, Wareham, individuals, Gina, Alanna, Misha, and Nichole….can’t please everyone…maybe it’s time to just be alone for a bit, we shall see.
Stand on the edge, embrace the winds of madness and passion that would push you over.
They hold no power when you welcome them in.